I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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