Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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