I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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