I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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