1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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