Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
