I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
