dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
