is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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