I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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