Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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