Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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