If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
