where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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