Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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