You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
