That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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