"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Boobs speak an international language.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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