are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
