The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
