Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize