My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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