Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
