Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
