Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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