Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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