I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
