kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
