Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
why do cheetos always look like penises
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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