Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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