I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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