I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I need moral support for this bender
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
