So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
