I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
