The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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