Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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