I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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