all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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