This is not my ceiling
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Drake has all the answers
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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