I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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