I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
