did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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