You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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