This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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