I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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