I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
