he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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