Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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