She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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