I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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