i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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