Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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