Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
