i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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