Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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