dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
one two three fourrrrnication!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
