cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
