the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
