Will you blow on my dice?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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