You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
